The Year the Music Died
Throughout life, there are many decisions that you have to make. Some are little ones such as choosing toast or an English muffin for breakfast, and some are big decisions such as what am I going to do for the rest of my life. All of these dictions open doors and close door. A decision, whether big or small, can change your life forever and although it may not appear to be the best decision at the time, your life may be better in the long run. Here is my story of a decision that changed my life forever.
I took one last look at my first apartment. Even though I had only lived in it for a few months, it symbolized everything that I had done the past year.
“Well I think that’s the rest of it,” my dad said as he was loading the last few things into a box, “are you ready to go?”
I was ready, ready to move back home. Everything that I had endured over the past few months was preparing me for this. As I left, I realized I was not only shutting the door to this apartment, but I was shutting the door to a part of my life. My decision was made and there was no turning back now.
When I graduated from high school I was ready for the big world ahead of me. In the fall I was going to start at San Francisco State University, SFSU, on a full ride scholarship in Oboe performance. Music had always been a very big part of my life; it seemed only natural that I would want to do it for the rest of my life. My dad played trumpet and went to SFSU majoring in Trumpet performance. He decided that he did not want to play music for the rest of his life though, so he changed his major in his senior year. My mom played the flute and although she was offered many music scholarships, she turned them down to pursue her dream of being a computer engineer which later became her dream to teach Computer Science to others. My parents even met while they were playing in the pit orchestra of a musical in southern California. Growing up, I took piano lessons and played the flute just like my mom, but when the opportunity arose to play the oboe in my 7th grade band, I decided to take it and started learning the oboe. When I got to high school, I became the drum major of the marching band in my junior year. It was in my senior year when I decided I wanted to major in music, so I auditioned for a scholarship at SFSU. When I received a full tuition scholarship, I knew where I was going in the fall.
I was ready for this new part of my life which had never looked better. I was finally moving out of my parents’ house and I was on my own. When I moved into the dorm, nothing could wipe the smile off of my face. My first semester went well and I was having a lot of fun doing what I love to do, play music. Unfortunately, my dorm mate did not have the same ease in her first semester at college. One day she entered the room and announced she had just dropped out and was leaving with no explanation. That weekend, all of her stuff disappeared and I have not heard from her since. That spring semester, though, I found myself in that same situation. I wanted to leave, but I felt that I had a duty to myself to stay.
The biggest problem I had that semester was with the music department, which unfortunately was the department I had to go to for all of my problems. It all started when my oboe professor told me she was moving across the country and would no longer be teaching starting that next spring semester. This wasn’t a problem until I started that spring and I had no oboe professor. When I ask the music department about this problem they told me that it wasn’t important because I was a freshman and not a senior. This issue wasn’t important! I was an oboe major and I had no one to teach me on what I was going to do for the rest of my life. I was very frustrated because they had let me down. It took them three weeks to find a professor for me, but I had to go into the department office every day requesting a teacher. The frustrations only got worse.
Towards the end of the semester I was done with my major. I had lost the passion that I had started with. I didn’t look forward to my music classes anymore because they had become so difficult. I felt as if I was singled out all the time and when I made a mistake it was also pointed out. Being in the music profession I had to be absolutely perfect. The word “flaw” could not be in my vocabulary because if it was, I was a failure. There was no way I could make it into the music world. I started to lose confidence in myself and that was one reason why I love music so much, because I once had had confidence in myself. I was easily disappointed in myself and it didn’t help that I wasn’t doing very well in my classes. Music, which had once been easy and fun, was now very difficult and no longer enjoyable. The music department gave me only more headaches, but the last thing they did was the straw that broke the camel’s back.
The end of the semester was approaching and I was nearing one of the most important “tests” of my freshman year, my freshman jury. All music majors had to perform in front of the music faculty at the end of each year. In that 20 minute time slot that you were give, you had to convince the music faculty that you had improved enough to move on to the next class year. This was my fist jury and therefore I did not know what to expect. I signed up for a time, but as I was signing up I realized it was right in the middle of one of my music finals. There was nothing that I could really do, so I signed up for a time. About a week later I felt that I was ready for my jury. My accompanist and I were practicing on the Friday before our juries when he suggested that we double check our jury times which were on Monday of the next week. When we got to the music office I looked at my jury time and it had been switched without my knowledge. When I asked the woman at the front her response was, “maybe you should have written your name in pen.” All I could think was, “Excuse me; I didn’t expect someone to erase my name without my knowledge.” The problem with my time being switched was now my just took up most of my other music final and I had 2 days to try and fix it. All of the department offices were closed for the weekend, so I could not get a hold of my advisor or the head of the music department to plead my case. They had all left for the weekend and I was left alone with a huge problem to fix. After many phone calls home filled with tears and many e-mails to my professors explaining my situation, I was able to solve it, but it was too much stress at once and the music department had shown me and reiterated their lack of interest of my success. When I showed up to my jury the only thing that was said was, “well I’m glad you were able to make it.” I later found out that the instructor who told me this was the one who erased my name and put her graduate students in my time slot. The bassoon professor and the flute professor had made a mistake by signing up their students for a shorter time than they needed. To remedy this, they decided it was necessary to erase other student’s names and put their own student’s names in their place. It was at that moment that I found out that I decided to leave SFSU and move back home.
My parents were very supportive of my decision. My mom was especially supportive, although my dad knew exactly what I was going through be he had to make the same difficult choice years ago. He was glad that I was making in during my freshman year as opposed to my senior year, when he made his decision. It was my mom, though, that helped me make my decision. She was the one who comforted me when I felt I had nowhere else to turn. She was the one who helped me get a hold of my instructors when I found out my jury time had been moved. Had it not been for the support of my mom I probably would not have made the decision to move back home. Although my parents are musicians, they understood that it is a difficult profession to succeed in which is why they did not chose it as their own. I believe that they would have supported me no matter what decision I chose.
There were many different reasons why I did this, but the treatment I got from the music department and my loss of passion for music were the two main contributors to my decision to leave. With the attitudes that I got from the department, I decided that they didn’t really value my talents and therefore I didn’t value their school. Although I loved many of the professors I had, the way the music department treated me out weight those great influences I had. Also, if I didn’t have a passion for music anymore then I must have a passion for something and moving back home gave me the chance to find that passion, teaching.
I guess in a way teaching has always been a part of my life as well as a passion, I just had not discovered how much a part of my life it really was. I have actual live with a teacher my whole life. My mom was a computer science professor as well as a computer engineer and when I was growing up I would help her grade papers and record scores that her students got. My brothers and my sister are all younger than me, so growing up I was a sort of mentor and teacher to them. I taught them lessons on how to ask for thing from mom and dad or how to please them. I also helped them with homework and I gave them advice on how to do well in school. It was an enjoyable experience because I got to see them grow and learn. Also, one of the most pleasurable things in music for me was being Drum Major. This wasn’t because I was in charge and everyone had to listen to me; it was because I enjoyed teaching other students how to flourish at what they did. Once I was able to step back from what I thought I would be successful at, I was able to see that my true calling was in front of me the entire time. Now I will be able to bring two of my passions into to the classroom, my love of teaching as well as my love for music.
After moving back home I realized that I had made the right decision even though it was a hard one to make. I felt that I had much more support and I was even more successful. Since moving back home, I have received my AA degree in Liberal Arts and I am graduating with my BA in Liberal Studies after being in college for only 4 years. I still play my oboe with community groups, but music isn’t my whole life anymore. I have come to realize that there are other things in the world and music is not the only thing that I am passionate about. Looking back, if I had stayed at SFSU I would have been stuck doing something that I didn’t really love and I would most likely not be nearing my graduation date. Moving back home has opened so many new doors that I never thought I would get to experience and even though I had lost the passion I had once had for something I found a new and even more thrilling passion. I just have to remember what Alexander Graham Bell once said, “When one door shuts another one opens.”
“I think that’s the last of it.” My boyfriend said as he unloaded the last heavy box from the truck. I smiled at him and nodded. I shut the door, but this time I wasn’t shutting the door on a part of my life. I was, in a way, opening the door to the world ahead as it waited for me to step outside and make my mark.
